Ok, so far, life’s pretty shitty. My mind is that of a woman’s mind now, thoughts are EVERYWHERE. Trying to settle them properly into their individual boxes. WHO MOVED MY BOX THAT CONTAINS NOTHING ?!
Anyway, currently I’m actually pending a pes status of E9L9. Don’t bother asking me how I actually got it/or not yet, because I won’t give you tips. MUWAHAHAHA! =p
After so many months of “ironing my bed-sheet” I’m being whisked into ISM office. My job-scope involves being sandwiched, area-cleaning, inspection, “disciplining” of the APs under me and basically, getting screwed every single morning. Yes, LITERALLY EVERY!
But well thinking on the, hopefully, what seems to be a more positive side, at least I’m heading somewhere finally. But to be honest, I don’t really want to have that sort of responsibilities hanging over me. Not that I’m lazy, but it’s just not at this time of my life and definitely not in NS. I just want to sail through it and finish with at least certain good memories.
To be honest, I’m contemplating if I should just ask my friend to whisk me over to E-Learning side which I’ll probably be doing something I MIGHT enjoy more which is media. Another reason would be because I don’t like to hold such an authority over people’s lives, especially when they’re FUCKING RETARDS (I’m not saying all are…just a few, probably a handful.. ok, it’s some…LOL!) It’s like as if I’m responsible for their stupidity. It’s kind of sucking my life away.
And I realised, I’ve lost the work-life balance. I’m thinking of how to curb the problems when I’m in the bus, when I’m in the shower, everywhere I go I’m thinking about work. Damn!
But enough about work, I want to talk about something more important. Recently, I noticed something about myself. I think I’m becoming another person. I’m beginning to be more practical and nasty. I don’t know if it’s because I’m being put in a position which is forcing me to be one. And I actually asked myself, “Am I really that hard to be with…?”, “Why am I still single…?” Definitely not being desperate here…LOL! Because if I really am, I would probably found more. =p I can afford to but I don’t want to. NOT BRAGGING!!!
Have I change my life principles…? About love, about communication with other people, about integrity and even about honesty. To be honest, ever since I left church, I’ve definitely become much more evil in terms of thoughts, actions are taking shape though. Evil in the sense I want to make people pay. Evil in the sense I manipulate others thoughts. Evil in the sense I input fear into others.
Thinking through all these, I realised what’s the root issue. I’m afraid – afraid of getting hurt. So my defense mechanism would be to strike first before the damage is done. I don’t know why but it seems like a very natural thing to me now. Frankly speaking, I don’t like me now. I want to change my life drastically.
Ok, this post is kind of mind draining. I want to sleep! to be prepared for more action tomorrow!!!
Hush Hush.
